This was actually written in October of 2012 but I never published it so I am publishing it now:
I am bipolar. This name does not sufficiently cover the depths of hell to which people are thrown that have this problem. I am unsure how many people know this but I have bipolar disorder. Some people would like to say that I stopped talking about it in my late twenties because I was afraid I would never be able to get a job because of the stigma that it creates. At this point, I am so tired and exhausted from denying and suppressing my emotions and the whole of who I am for all these years during every single minute of every single day and denying who I am that I just don’t care what happens anymore from my admitting to it. I need some support and relief and to find people that actually understand instead of constantly having secretive and invisible battles with people that have no idea what is going on and possibly would not want to even be around me if they knew. The only way to get relief and find out who those people are is to admit to it. I do not want to pretend to be a “normal person” going to a corporate job every day anymore. It causes so much stress and anguish to me even though a normal person would be fine with it. I first realized I had a problem in the fall of 1997 at 22 years of age even though I now think that the problem had been going on for a few years at this point. I was in the middle of a college semester when this mental illness forced me to give up everything I had and leave school. I didn’t know at the time but I was forever giving up any semblance of the life I had known up to that point. I had to move out of the band dorm, I lost all of my scholarships, and lost so many of the friends and even a fiance in the life that I had known. I have been suffering and dealing with this horrible disease in many ways ever since that day. The name of the disease does not even begin to scratch the surface of the anguish that it creates. The reason I am telling you this is because I can no longer suffer trying to pretend to be a normal person working in the corporate world all the while suffering intensely each and every single day.