If you didn’t already know… I’m bipolar
Current mood: indifferent
I’ve tried everything on god’s green earth to figure out a way to outsmart this disease or deformity or whatever it is. But I just can’t do it. I can’t think my way out of it. I can’t eat the right foods and be okay. I can’t do the proper exercises, get the right chiropractic care, do the right type of therapy, have the right type of job, be around the right types of friends and get rid of it…. NOTHING works. Nothing. Well, unless you count the medication. Lithium. Kurt Cobain’s favorite friend. I guess I should be happy that I am not where he is because I am on my precious lithium. I almost killed myself because I was spiraling very out of control one of the times I tried to control it without medication. I had just accidentally taken an overdose of antihistamines when I sick one time that caused severe burning sensations throughout my muscles and twitching, shaking and jumping startled from my sleep by it in an anxious fit. That made me start freaking out and I started thinking I had every disease known to man from AIDS, to tapeworms in my stomach that I could truly FEEL moving around, to cancer to you name it, I thought I had it. The final straw was when I thought that some type of SOMETHING was behind my right eye, I didn’t even know what, and I wanted, almost HAD to get it out. So, I was going to go get a knife and get it out… through my eye socket! Luckily, I paused and stopped and thought about it and went to my parents house before doing anything drastic. I told them I HAD to go to the psycho ward right then and there. I could not even look at what I wanted to look at or control any of my thoughts. My mom actually grabbed me and shook me to get my attention because my eyes kept wandering off in fear and panic! Well, it actually worked! It only worked for a minute but it kept me from going off the deep end. So, I never went into the psycho ward. I got ANOTHER appointment with a psychiatrist and got back on my good ol’ lithium. My best friend ever. I’m being sarcastic because it feels weird to take it but at the same time it also did save my life. I got back on it because I thought, well, I’ve wasted ten years of my life trying to fight this thing, messed up many a relationship with friends, girlfriends, jobs, etc. I think that being on this medicine will be better than being dead. So, that’s why I did it. That was sometime near the end of 2006. This is most likely the final time I START BACK again ever. I’ve wasted 10 years of my life trying to fight something that is invisible and yet controls everything. I am very tired of it. I am very tired of life much or even most of the time. There are things that happen that are fun and interesting, but for the most part, I’m bored with this life. It’s a boring ride. It’s repetitive and there are too many requirements just to stay alive. It’s enough to make you want to kill yourself. And I have had that thought many, MANY times within the past couple of years at the height of my mental problems. It got so bad that it began to transfer over to PHYSICAL problems! Doctors call it somatization. Religious people call it demons. Spiritual people call it kundalini. I just call it suffering. Well, that was a wonderfully random and extremely long post. I hope someone gets something out of it. Actually, I guess I did so that’s good enough.
- 1:19 AM
Angel Waldrop i remember many a time ago when you were first dealing with this and how you felt…i also remember how you hated the drug…i am glad you never made that decision to end things…you have too big a heart and a sense of humor that you would be sorely missed…i am glad to see you as you are today because at one time i know you had given up…i hope you the best and will always be there for you…you were once there for me when i needed uplifting..remember…death is a permanent solution to a temporary problem…
5 years ago
Mandy DramaMama i think it takes courage to admit that a maintenaince drug can help and that you’ve made the choice to take it. I look at that the same way I would a diabetic needing insulin or someone with high blood pressure taking bp meds, or even me and my goofy PCOS and having to take bcp’s just to have my hormones regulated and feel like me instead of a constant pms early menopausal lady from hades– bottom line, if it helps your overall quality of life then it’s worth it. But I admire you for making that choice I can’t imagine what a tough decision that is to make. But I’m glad you’re here and I’m glad you’re taking the med and I’m glad you’re a friend. 🙂 Hang in there!
5 years ago