Since I just recently realized in adulthood that I am what they call a “highly sensitive person” or HSP after I read the book The Highly Sensitive Person, I have been been discovering quite a large number of new things about myself in relation to others. One thing that I am beginning to realize is that a huge chunk of my problems in my life, quite possibly most of them, are centered around dealing with my parents, and more specifically my mom.
Over the past week or so, I have decided to take my career in a different direction than I have ever approached it before. It has called for me to pretty much end everything that I’ve done or tried to pursue at all almost my entire life. Every job that I have ever had was related to the drudgery category of jobs in the book How to Make Work Work for the Highly Sensitive Person. I actually did try to stay in my most recent job even after reading about horrible is to me for my personality type and temperament and even tried to make improvements to the job and get along with the person that had become a workplace bully to me but it was just pointless. I had to get out so I just recently quit… and I’m NEVER going back! I don’t care if I go broke, lose my home, have no insurance, have no food, and have to live in the woods. The stress of the other end of having a job like that is just too hurtful to me. So, I quit and it’s now over.
So, to make a short story long, tI got away from a person at work that I considered a bully and possibly even having borderline personality disorder because she was just so extremely manipulative in every way possible. I was so happy to get away from her because my every last thought was revolving around her and trying to prove to her that I was doing my job correctly and trying to prove her wrong and get her to stop questioning everything I do just so I can feel better. I got away from her and I am very happy but I came to discover something horrible from this experience. My mom is exactly the same way.
I was trying to write a letter to my parents to let them know that I had quit my job because I always feel like I need to tell them everything. I always want to get their approval. I also want to let them know just in case they want to help me out after I have not had a job for a while. If I don’t tell them very soon, they will know I’ve been lying to them this whole time and probably be so upset that they won’t help. I’m not saying that I definitely will need it but it would be nice to have it available if necessary. So, I’ve never really lied to my parents in my life. My mom was too good at reading people and asked so many questions that she could usually figure things out. At least that’s what she made me believe. I never really lied because I was so scared. But now that I am an adult, I am realizing that I can’t even write this letter because I feel so stressed trying to write it that I have to go back and edit things again and try to predict what she will say about this or that and how I have to prove that this is the best decision for me no matter what she says but I realized that there is a problem. I will NEVER be able to prove her wrong and show her what is best for my life is actually best for my life. NEVER! She is EXACTLY like the person at work that was the bully except for the little tid bit that she actually loves me and wants the best for me. The problem is that she thinks that the best for me is only what she thinks is best for me and not what I think is best for me. It has always been that way and I can never convince her of anything. She is very manipulative and always turns the tables on me and says “What’s wrong with you?” or “Why don’t you remember things correctly?” or “That is not the way it happened. Why do you always think that I did something bad?” etc. Now that I’m typing it out, I’m starting to realize that it sounds a little bit like Norman Bate’s mom in Psycho. Anyway, I am beginning to think that to have a sane life and to have at least a minimum amount of comfort without someone literally driving me psycho, I may just need to break away from her as much as possible, even if it means having to lie about everything.
I don’t want people telling me that I need to just have the strength to stand up to her. I don’t need that anymore. She is so manipulative and stressful to me that no matter what I say she will turn it into something else completely different. I literally think I may have to completely break away from her and maybe even move to another continent like one of my siblings did just to get away from her. When I told my psychologist that one of my siblings moved to another continent and is planning on living there for the rest of their life, he said “Oh, they were subconsciously trying to get away from your mother, I see.” I have no idea why he said that but he may have been right on. Maybe I need to do the exact same thing.
This has literally been the most rambling blog I’ve written with no direction or pace or storyline, etc., but I just had to get it all out there to see what I think and see what other people think. If you have made it this far, could you please do me a favor and either comment on this story and tell me what you think I should do or email me and let me know your thoughts on this subject? I would really appreciate it. Should I just start lying to her about everything? Should I move to another continent to avoid her? If she knows I have no job and I still live close by then she will call me constantly to get me to do things for her and guilt me into feeling horrible until I do them or get in a huge argument with her or both. There is tons of manipulation in many different ways that I just don’t want to deal with anymore. So, let me know what you think if you get the chance. Thanks!
By the way, the drawing below doesn’t mean I’m a cross dresser. It is a drawing that Becky Tyler did of the Norman Bates character when he has gone out of his mind and thinks he is his mother and is wearing a wig and her clothes. Awesome or scary as hell? I hope I don’t become a Norman Bates. I know I’m (supposedly) bipolar but this doesn’t have to happen to me. Help me figure it out so I don’t become him! 🙂