The more I think about it, the more I realize that I have no control or choice in what I do in my life whatsoever. Actually, that’s not 100% correct. I DO have choice but I didn’t realize it up until just now. I didn’t know that other people were controlling me by manipulation and being pushy and such until just now. I’m not even sure if the people that are doing it to me have any clue as to what they are doing to me and how they are doing it. They just have a huge need in their lives to fulfill something and don’t want to face the truth of their pains and hurts in life and they do anything they can to avoid those pains. I would do the exact same thing in their situation. That doesn’t mean that I should put up with it anymore though now that I realize what is going on and that I have a choice. Even if someone if part of your family, that doesn’t necessarily mean that you are required to like them and required to be their friend and required to do everything that they say, does it? I am starting to think that I don’t have to even if it is someone in your immediate family. I actually feel very guilty just for stating that fact but I am beginning to realize that the guilt that I feel is a huge part of that control. Maybe I don’t want to hang out with you today. Maybe I don’t like talking to you on the phone. Maybe you can do things on your own without me being there. Maybe I am not the person that should be forced to bring happiness to you in your life. Maybe you should figure out how to do that on your own or find someone else that enjoys this little game and is willing to be your friend. I am not your friend. I am a relative. I am connected to you because of blood and that is it. I am not so sure anymore that blood is thicker than water though. Maybe that family connection actually is thicker than water but sometimes it is only because it is filled with so many emotional impurities that it becomes extremely thick. I think I’d rather have a true connection like water where things blow much easier and freer. All of these things that I am saying make me feel like I am a very bad person because I don’t think I should go against family but I really think that it is just part of the unconscious manipulation that has been going on for so long. Maybe I really should say these things that are true and realize that they are true even though they hurt. Maybe I am not happy around you and I don’t want to be your friend. Maybe if we weren’t connected by blood then I would avoid you at all costs because of the ways that you make me feel most of the time. I definitely know that we can have fun together sometimes and even be really close but the control that you try to exert over me is just not worth it. Maybe I need to live my own life and cut you off way more than I realize. Maybe I need to set up better boundaries and make you mad and even purposely hold those boundaries for a while to the point that you become really extremely angry with me just so you know that you cannot push those boundaries back or break through them anymore. What do you think about that? Personally, I think it’s a great idea. It actually does hurt me to think about doing so and the possibility that you might die and I will never see you again could haunt me because of the way I treated you during that time period but I really need to get on with my life and do things for myself instead of always living for you whenever you call on me. I guess I am just going to have to take that chance and learn to live with it if something horrible like that does happen. I see you having to live the way you live because of your relatives that are now in their mid-nineties and you keep saying that you’ll just let it go a little longer because you don’t want to hurt their feelings and they are too old to change so you will keep putting up with it until they are dead. Well, it has been almost twenty years since you began saying that and I am not going to go through the same thing. As “un-Christian” as it may sound, I love myself more than I love you and I am going to start treating myself that way. If I treat myself as I love myself first, then maybe I can come back and begin to love others and treat them well because I will feel fulfilled in my own life and I can begin to give back again. But for now, I have to do what I can for me because I love myself and I will now begin to treat myself well and control my own life and not allow anyone else to control it. I will make my own decisions because I want to do those things and not because someone else wants me to be that way consciously or unconsciously and whether or not they are of my blood or not of my blood. It is time for me to make myself happy and not live the rest of my life in what was an unknown and unrealized misery. I know it will be hard and make you sad and upset but I have to do it. You need to deal with your own problems and it is not my fault that you can’t handle. Well, I guess we’re about to find out if you can handle it or not because I’m not handling it for you anymore. I truly don’t mean to say this in a mean way but you are an never ending pit of despair and suction of life and soul like a black hole is described in exactly the same way that your older relative is to you. You have people around you that will do anything you say because that is the type of people they are. They want to help and make everyone happy in life to the point that it is worth it to suffer to avoid the conflict. Well, I am not going to be one of those people anymore. I see it in people that are only legally your family and not blood, people that are your blood by birth, people that created you from their blood, and I will not participate any longer. All of you soul suckers and life suckers have enough people doing things for you and giving you love that you should be satisfied but you are never satisfied… NEVER! I should have realized this a long time ago but I did not so I am at least glad that I am recognizing it now. I hope that I continue to realize it and am not sucked back in by your never ending pit of despair. I want to break away and be free and live my own life and I am for damned sure going to try to make it happen. I hope I don’t have to have too much conflict to make it happen because I am not sure that I can handle too much conflict and I will fall back into my old ways which you would very much appreciate, I’m sure. I know how to keep my distance though and if that is the only way that I can make this happen then I will do it. I will move across the city, the state, the country, THE WORLD, just like one of our relatives subconsciously did to get away from it just like someone stated to me when I thought they were joking at the time. The problem is that I don’t think he escaped it even though he moved to a different continent because I think that he married right back into it. Is the only way to truly break away from something by facing up to it? I don’t know. I sure hope it is possible to just get away from it for a while and face up to it later when you have the strength. I don’t want to accidentally keep attracting those same people to me for the rest of my life, that’s for sure. Well, I am rambling now so I’ll just stop writing because thinking about all this is making me very, very tired. It’s almost like I am having a psychiatry session on my own. Actually, my psychiatrist laughed when I told her that I knew she was going to tell me to do certain things to help get past certain problems in my life at our last appointment. She said that she was not laughing because it was funny but because it was amazing because that is exactly the point of psychiatry. They have us come in to learn how to handle situations so that one day we can realize exactly what we need to do to handle the situations on our own in the future. So, she was really happy that I ended up telling her that I knew exactly what she was going to tell me to do at that appointment. I am glad too because it means that I am getting better at handling situations and recognizing them on my own and learning how to grow and move on. The sad part is the more I learn to figure out how to grow and move on, the more I realize that I am just now at the very beginning of the process and I am almost still just like a baby in my emotional growth. It’s very sad but at least I am finally beginning to grow and I will not be stuck at the infant level of emotion that many people are for their entire lives without even realizing it. Okay, that’s enough typing for now. I’m tired. Bye.
I am starting to think that the reason that I have such a hard time with my weight is that maybe I have never had any control over anything in my life after a certain point besides food. When I was younger, I really didn’t have any control over what I ate or when because my parents always did it for me. They would control every single aspect of what and when I ate and would not allow me any extras such as sodas or candies very often. Once I got older and had the freedom to choose which foods I could eat, I just went crazy. I am thinking that food is truly the only thing I feel like I have total control over at this point in my life as well even though I’m nowhere close to being a teenager anymore. I have just begun to realize that I think I have been doing everything in my life because I thought that was what I was supposed to do and what society said I should do and what family and friends want me to do. I also have a really hard time hurting anyone’s feelings so it makes it even harder to do anything I truly want to do even if it begins as something that I thought I truly wanted to do. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to live just choosing exactly what I want to do in life but I’d at least like to give it a try even if it pisses a lot of people off. I really think that it might help me to control my urges to eat food and help me to lose weight if I really just did what I wanted in life instead of solely things that I felt like I had to do. If I can work up enough courage to disappoint people around me and say no to them and be forceful about it and set up boundaries then maybe I can make this happen. I also could end up making everyone I know hate me but that could be the cost of moving on with my life and creating an entirely new life that I may enjoy much better. I bet it will be a really painful process to go through though just like many learning and growing experiences in life because you see things that you never knew were there or were truths that you didn’t know were there. I hope I can get myself pumped up enough to do it and be my own true self.