Actually, it all came to a head yesterday but today it feels different. I thought I would feel better for standing my ground and creating boundaries and telling the people that are causing problems what they are doing and how I would appreciate it if they would try to understand. Instead, I feel like total shais. This is the way it always works though. I begin to feel like everything is my fault because they cut off communication. I am in need of communication, or at least I was when I was a child, and I would go running back to them to try to prove myself and do whatever they need to show me love again. I am realizing now that they are just people even though they were supposed to be there for me and they have some sort of deep seeded issues going on here. They just cannot seem to show support to me and give me the love I need if I am not the good son and do exactly what they want and say. There are many other people in this world that are even related to them by blood that do way worse things than just say that they don’t want to help take care of an old relative such as spending all the thousands of dollars he gave them on alcohol and drugs, drive without a license in a car that he gave them, get arrested and ask him to spend a thousand dollars to bail them out, repeatedly as for more money to try to cash in on some money exchange theme, call them randomly and say come pick me up at the airport because I just got back into town from out of the country without giving them a warning at all. I don’t know what’s going on but these relatives do things that are way worse than anything that I ever do or really ever would do and they know that and yet when I say no to a request they start talking about how they feel so sad for me because my life is going to be horrible because I don’t react to people the right way and treat people the right way and how their hands are shaking when they type because they are so disappointed in me and so upset about what I have done to them. I just don’t get it at all. I guess I really never did. I’m not their slave. I’m not even their indentured slave. I’m not even an employee. Wouldn’t you think the fact that I am a very important relative in their life would make them want to treat me better and not worse? Instead, they treat me as if I am the worst thing that has ever happened to them. I guess they had dreams and aspirations for me and I am not living up to what they created me for but I guess they never thought through the fact that I am a human being and they can’t force me to be who they want me to be. I never thought that the people that I would need to disconnect from and to realize that what they are doing so wrong would be these specific people in my life. I will come back and work on making this blog sound more professional and look better and correct later but for now I am just writing as a journal to myself to get my thoughts out there and feel better and figure out what is going on. Stream of consciousness, I guess you would say.
So, it never occurred to me that the people that I might need to get rid of and stop associating with in my life are exactly the same people that have been “supporting” me for so long… actually, pretty much my entire life! Don’t get me wrong, they DO support me, but they also take every single thing they’ve done for me and turn it against me. I really don’t need that type of relationship in my life. These people always have their sentences containing the word “should” and what I should be doing for them because of what they have done for me. Nothing is a choice for me. Nothing! Unless I force the change and put up the boundaries and supposedly am “the bad guy” and cause the argument to make the change, then it’s not going to happen. It always comes down to blaming me for the way things are happening, too. It’s pathetic. It really is. I never realized how pathetic until just recently.
My fiance is the first person in my life to truly completely support me no matter what choices I want to make in life. Actually, I wouldn’t even put it past her to allow me to have sex with another woman or women or go on some crazy spending spree and completely ruin my life and then come crawling back to her. I bet she would allow me to do that and be very upset about it but she would take me back because she would try to understand that I needed to do it to find out who is truly the best for me and what I really want in life. I don’t think I would actually go that far but I just think she would actually do it.
Anyway, to get back to the original people that are causing all the problems.
Okay, so I didn’t get back to the original problems when I was writing this last night at about 10 PM and just now got back to it the next day, which is today, at 5 PM. I wrote them a letter that took me from about that time last night until about 7 AM to figure out how to say while sounding nice and not offending anyone and making sure that everything was understood in great detail. I sent it to them when I finished at about the same time this morning. Well, their response so far has been… nothing. Nil. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Blah. This very much reminds me of my childhood. If you aren’t the person I want you to be and react the way I want you to react, you get no love. I can hold back the love longer than you can hold back needing the love. So who’s gonna win? Well, we’ll see. Is this supposed to feel like a game? It feels like a game to me and I don’t like that. I definitely am going to have some more to write on this subject but for now I am feeling very sad and need to go get a flu shot. I felt completely flustered and not able to think very well yesterday but I kept working on the letter over and over and over until I got what I wanted to say and that worked fairly well to keep my brain from going insane. I just let my brain do what it does best and tried not to just the fact that it couldn’t get past certain issues until they were worked out. It’s still happening today but it actually does seem to be working to make me move onto the next level. I definitely feel in a very sad spot right now. I have written many things that I told them that I want to share with them beyond the response. Will come back and make this blog look better than the stream of unconsciousness that it does now.
It’s not like we can just press a button to go to sleep or wake up anytime we want, right?
I am starting to think that my body’s natural sleep cycle may be different than most other people. I have read in studies that some people adopt a completely different cycle of sleep when they are confined to an area where they can’t see whether it is day or night and they have no idea what day or time it is over a period of a few weeks. They end up staying up a much larger amount of hours in a row than just the usual 16 hours and then sleep much longer than the 8 hours once they finally go to sleep. Isn’t that interesting? I wish I could find that study again so I could see what it says. If anyone sees it or knows where I could find it, if you could let me know about it so I can check it out again then I would really appreciate it.
A real life artistic creation of Penny’s computer book from Inspector Gadget
I’m one of the few weirdos that doesn’t have a cell phone that I can do things on constantly. For some reason, I don’t want it. I really don’t know why. I guess I just don’t want to be THAT connected. I really don’t even like being as connected as we are just carrying the cell phone portion of our go-go-gadget computer books around as it is. Even having a regular phone in my house feels like people are just allowed to interrupt me at any time they feel like it and I don’t like being so “rudely” interrupted for any reason whatsoever. So, I just have a Blackberry-style phone without a touch screen and very slow internet connection that barely works so I hardly ever use it unless it’s an emergency. I never even have the ringer or tone alerts on at all. I look at it whenever I feel like it and otherwise pretty much ignore it completely. I like it much better that way for some reason. I have actually gotten away from connection via mobile devices more and more as the rest of the world has become more connected. The only time I am on the internet is when I’m at home on my laptop nowadays. Does anyone else feel that way? Is anyone else moving away from it instead of towards it like I am doing? Just curious.
Gretchen and Walt in better days gone by
I have no idea where this person named Stephanie that commented on an article and had this information got it from or if it is even real but check it out anyway:
The actress who played Gretchen was filled in on the Walt/Gretchen thing by Vince, and she explained it in an interview:
[What’s it like to have Bryan Cranston curse at you?]
“Oh man, he’s a good actor. But it was easy because Vince Gilligan told
us exactly what went down between the characters off screen: We were
very much in love and we were to get married. And he came home and met
my family, and I come from this really successful, wealthy family, and
that knocks him on his side. He couldn’t deal with this inferiority he
felt — this lack of connection to privilege. It made him terrified, and
he literally just left me, and I was devastated. Walt is fighting his
way out of going back to that emotional place, so he says, ‘F— you.'”
Todd aka Meth Damon aka Serial Killer Opie aka Ricky Hitler in action
To me it seemed like Todd almost was not that upset that everyone around him had just been shot to death. He seemed far more interested in the cool automatic gun setup outside in the trunk of Walter White’s car instead. He actually crawled to the window and looked out at the car and said “Mr. White” in an inquisitive and curious way before Jesse garotted him. If he had been able to finish his sentence, I seriously thought he was going to say something really weird and off like “Mr. White, that… was…. AWESOME!” just like Chris Farley did in the movie Tommy Boy in the scene when the deer wakes up in the back seat of the convertible. So, was Todd actually acting weird and off as usual or did I just imagine it? By the way, here’s that scene in Tommy Boy in case you don’t know what I’m talking about and have never seen it – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QbSFxlfuf9s
So, does anyone else have any thoughts on this? I’m just curious to know what other fans think. If Vince Gilligan wants to respond, then that would be fine, too. 🙂