So, it never occurred to me that the people that I might need to get rid of and stop associating with in my life are exactly the same people that have been “supporting” me for so long… actually, pretty much my entire life! Don’t get me wrong, they DO support me, but they also take every single thing they’ve done for me and turn it against me. I really don’t need that type of relationship in my life. These people always have their sentences containing the word “should” and what I should be doing for them because of what they have done for me. Nothing is a choice for me. Nothing! Unless I force the change and put up the boundaries and supposedly am “the bad guy” and cause the argument to make the change, then it’s not going to happen. It always comes down to blaming me for the way things are happening, too. It’s pathetic. It really is. I never realized how pathetic until just recently.
My fiance is the first person in my life to truly completely support me no matter what choices I want to make in life. Actually, I wouldn’t even put it past her to allow me to have sex with another woman or women or go on some crazy spending spree and completely ruin my life and then come crawling back to her. I bet she would allow me to do that and be very upset about it but she would take me back because she would try to understand that I needed to do it to find out who is truly the best for me and what I really want in life. I don’t think I would actually go that far but I just think she would actually do it.
Anyway, to get back to the original people that are causing all the problems.
Okay, so I didn’t get back to the original problems when I was writing this last night at about 10 PM and just now got back to it the next day, which is today, at 5 PM. I wrote them a letter that took me from about that time last night until about 7 AM to figure out how to say while sounding nice and not offending anyone and making sure that everything was understood in great detail. I sent it to them when I finished at about the same time this morning. Well, their response so far has been… nothing. Nil. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Blah. This very much reminds me of my childhood. If you aren’t the person I want you to be and react the way I want you to react, you get no love. I can hold back the love longer than you can hold back needing the love. So who’s gonna win? Well, we’ll see. Is this supposed to feel like a game? It feels like a game to me and I don’t like that. I definitely am going to have some more to write on this subject but for now I am feeling very sad and need to go get a flu shot. I felt completely flustered and not able to think very well yesterday but I kept working on the letter over and over and over until I got what I wanted to say and that worked fairly well to keep my brain from going insane. I just let my brain do what it does best and tried not to just the fact that it couldn’t get past certain issues until they were worked out. It’s still happening today but it actually does seem to be working to make me move onto the next level. I definitely feel in a very sad spot right now. I have written many things that I told them that I want to share with them beyond the response. Will come back and make this blog look better than the stream of unconsciousness that it does now.