Once Again

Once Again

Before,
Two years of false time,
Double the grief ,

A decade to be sure you were truly the one,
I let you in,
To become my world,
You chose to destroy me,

Why?

Now,
One score and two of unreal,
Grieving twice the time ahead,
Old true loves never face,

Sixty-five,
Senior citizen,
Retirement,
I can pretend to start over,

Once again.

-Elt Surnoir, Hiding in Site

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And today the shais hits the fan

Actually, it all came to a head yesterday but today it feels different. I thought I would feel better for standing my ground and creating boundaries and telling the people that are causing problems what they are doing and how I would appreciate it if they would try to understand. Instead, I feel like total shais. This is the way it always works though. I begin to feel like everything is my fault because they cut off communication. I am in need of communication, or at least I was when I was a child, and I would go running back to them to try to prove myself and do whatever they need to show me love again. I am realizing now that they are just people even though they were supposed to be there for me and they have some sort of deep seeded issues going on here. They just cannot seem to show support to me and give me the love I need if I am not the good son and do exactly what they want and say. There are many other people in this world that are even related to them by blood that do way worse things than just say that they don’t want to help take care of an old relative such as spending all the thousands of dollars he gave them on alcohol and drugs, drive without a license in a car that he gave them, get arrested and ask him to spend a thousand dollars to bail them out, repeatedly as for more money to try to cash in on some money exchange theme, call them randomly and say come pick me up at the airport because I just got back into town from out of the country without giving them a warning at all. I don’t know what’s going on but these relatives do things that are way worse than anything that I ever do or really ever would do and they know that and yet when I say no to a request they start talking about how they feel so sad for me because my life is going to be horrible because I don’t react to people the right way and treat people the right way and how their hands are shaking when they type because they are so disappointed in me and so upset about what I have done to them. I just don’t get it at all. I guess I really never did. I’m not their slave. I’m not even their indentured slave. I’m not even an employee. Wouldn’t you think the fact that I am a very important relative in their life would make them want to treat me better and not worse? Instead, they treat me as if I am the worst thing that has ever happened to them. I guess they had dreams and aspirations for me and I am not living up to what they created me for but I guess they never thought through the fact that I am a human being and they can’t force me to be who they want me to be. I never thought that the people that I would need to disconnect from and to realize that what they are doing so wrong would be these specific people in my life. I will come back and work on making this blog sound more professional and look better and correct later but for now I am just writing as a journal to myself to get my thoughts out there and feel better and figure out what is going on. Stream of consciousness, I guess you would say.

It’s all come to a head… ew, gross, I hate that saying. Anyway, blog, blog, blog!

So, it never occurred to me that the people that I might need to get rid of and stop associating with in my life are exactly the same people that have been “supporting” me for so long… actually, pretty much my entire life! Don’t get me wrong, they DO support me, but they also take every single thing they’ve done for me and turn it against me. I really don’t need that type of relationship in my life. These people always have their sentences containing the word “should” and what I should be doing for them because of what they have done for me. Nothing is a choice for me. Nothing! Unless I force the change and put up the boundaries and supposedly am “the bad guy” and cause the argument to make the change, then it’s not going to happen. It always comes down to blaming me for the way things are happening, too. It’s pathetic. It really is. I never realized how pathetic until just recently.

My fiance is the first person in my life to truly completely support me no matter what choices I want to make in life. Actually, I wouldn’t even put it past her to allow me to have sex with another woman or women or go on some crazy spending spree and completely ruin my life and then come crawling back to her. I bet she would allow me to do that and be very upset about it but she would take me back because she would try to understand that I needed to do it to find out who is truly the best for me and what I really want in life. I don’t think I would actually go that far but I just think she would actually do it.

Anyway, to get back to the original people that are causing all the problems.

Okay, so I didn’t get back to the original problems when I was writing this last night at about 10 PM and just now got back to it the next day, which is today, at 5 PM. I wrote them a letter that took me from about that time last night until about 7 AM to figure out how to say while sounding nice and not offending anyone and making sure that everything was understood in great detail. I sent it to them when I finished at about the same time this morning. Well, their response so far has been… nothing. Nil. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Blah. This very much reminds me of my childhood. If you aren’t the person I want you to be and react the way I want you to react, you get no love. I can hold back the love longer than you can hold back needing the love. So who’s gonna win? Well, we’ll see. Is this supposed to feel like a game? It feels like a game to me and I don’t like that. I definitely am going to have some more to write on this subject but for now I am feeling very sad and need to go get a flu shot. I felt completely flustered and not able to think very well yesterday but I kept working on the letter over and over and over until I got what I wanted to say and that worked fairly well to keep my brain from going insane. I just let my brain do what it does best and tried not to just the fact that it couldn’t get past certain issues until they were worked out. It’s still happening today but it actually does seem to be working to make me move onto the next level. I definitely feel in a very sad spot right now. I have written many things that I told them that I want to share with them beyond the response.  Will come back and make this blog look better than the stream of unconsciousness that it does now.